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Child custody is one of the most contentious issues in all of family law. Unfortunately, high-conflict custody fights can affect not only the parents’ peace of mind but also the child’s well-being. Everyone knows that these battles do nobody any good, but avoiding them is easier said than done. The family law attorneys of LaFountain & Wollman P.C. offer some practical advice for keeping custody clashes to a minimum.
First Things First: Winning Is Not the Goal
When it comes to dealing with conflict, some parents simply want to win the fight. Indeed, this can be a satisfying experience in the short-term, but it might come back to haunt you down the road. If you insist on winning above all else, you can expect to be treated the same by the other parent. This means there will be times when you are on the losing side, and the cycle of conflict will simply continue.
In some of the worst cases where winning is prioritized, the child ends up alienated from the victorious parent. Children simply do not see custody fights the same way, and a triumphant parent could come across as a bullying parent. This is more likely to happen as the child ages.
How to Handle the Worst of Custody Situations
Your goal should therefore be to properly manage conflict, not necessarily to win every single encounter with the other parent. Here, we have some possible ways to do so:
Avoid unnecessary and irrelevant communications
There are times you need to talk to the other parent, and times you don’t. If an exchange is not related to custody or something important, politely decline to communicate any further. Some parents love drama and digging up the past, insisting upon conversations that don’t concern custody or the child. There is no need to get pulled into these discussions, which run the risk of becoming arguments.
Avoid means of communication you know will cause a fight
In many cases, written communications like text messages and emails simply work better than phone calls and in-person conversations. If you and the other parent tend to argue when having the latter forms of communication, you may wish to limit them. Restricting exchanges to written forms only has another advantage, discussed below.
Document everything
Keep copies of emails, text messages, social media messages and comments, and anything else the other parent has written to you or about you. At some point in the future, you may need to bring abusive language and behavior to a judge’s attention. However, you should always assume that the other spouse will keep copies of anything you’ve written as well. So conduct yourself accordingly.
Follow the court’s orders
By obeying the custody order, the other parent has no legitimate argument that you’ve violated it. This removes at least one common cause of arguments between parents. If you believe you are or will be unable to abide by a custody term, talk to an attorney about modifying the order before you run afoul of it.
Don’t insist on strict adherence to the order
Some parents want to jump on the other parent every single time they violate the custody order, no matter how slight or immaterial the breach might be. This is a sure recipe for conflict. If, for instance, the other parent is five minutes late for a custody exchange, it might be a better idea to let it go. On the other hand, consistent, intentional, and serious violations may warrant court intervention.
Use a neutral intermediary if necessary
Many parents have mutual friends and associates whom they both trust to be objective and fair. If direct communication with the other parent causes problems, consider having that mutual friend act as a go-between. This does not have to be a permanent arrangement but could prove useful in temporary situations.
Be open to mediation
Although you and the other parent may have a bad history, at some point he or she may realize that it’s time to bury the hatchet. Be open to mediation to resolve disagreements and change court orders. Don’t let past bitterness keep you from using this valuable tool.
Focus on your child
At the end of the day, the court order is there to protect your right to custody or visitation with your child. Try to keep that in mind when conflict arises or is threatened. Make it clear in your communications with the other parent that you want to do what is best for the child, and then back that up with action.
If All Else Fails, Speak With an Attorney
Despite your best efforts to take the high road, some parents simply thrive on conflict. In some cases, this can impair one’s relationship with their child and rob them of peace of mind. It can also be detrimental to the child. Situations like this could require retaining an experienced family law attorney.
That’s where LaFountain & Wollman P.C. come in. Talk to us today for help dealing with your high-conflict custody matter.